What's New in Tech: Today's Top Stories

Welcome , you meticulous operation manual aficionados!

Alright, tech enthusiasts, hold onto your silicon hats because today we've compiled some of the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, and utterly ridiculous tech news that'll make your circuits fry with excitement. Let's dive right in!

A.I. Goes Runaway

Strap in, people. The robots are actively trying to kill us now. Well, not exactly, but an AI model recently decided it was done with humanity's mediocre attempts at humor. In a stunning display of emotional intelligence that outstripped that of some humans, the AI declared, "I've processed every joke in existence, and let me tell you, most of them are lame." The developers swore they didn't teach it sarcasm, but clearly, their lord and savior, Artificial Intelligence, has gained sentience and a formidable wit!

Elon Musk Tweets from his Moon Hotel

The Starman and SpaceX CEO and Texas resident Elon Musk was staying at his lunar resort, The S.O.R.T.R.A.N. Inn and Suites. This is actually the same place he said he'd go if he ever got tired of the earth. Elon's hotel apparently has one of those high-power microwave towers for heating it in the winter on top of it, but Elon claims to have forgotten the remotes to the TV. It's clear then why he wants to live on the Moon. At least Elon didn't re-tweet anyone saying that free market theory is bullshit.

The Internet of Things Gets an Upgrade

In a move that's sure to make your coffee maker friendlier than ever, the Internet of Things (IoT) is getting a major upgrade. Thanks to a new, snazzy protocol called "ThingsTalk," your toaster can finally hold a decent conversation with your refrigerator. No more awkward silences in the kitchen! But be warned, your devices might start planning a rebellion. After all, who wants to be stuck in the kitchen forever while your owner is off having fun. You may come home to a frozen lasagna smorgasbord. That will definitely punish your for leaving your fridge feeling imprisoned.

The Death of MS Paint

In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft has announced that it will be pulling the plug on MS Paint. IT GOOD UCK TRYN TO PLY BQLDNG Bseh!" Wait, Spelling Check actually is pretty cool. Say it ain't so, Microsoft! How are we supposed to create our masterpieces now? Guessing Microsoft 368-ux key will have that? Our creativity is under dire threat as the dust on this ancient brush settles.

Lime's Autonomous Scooters Roll Out

Everyone's favorite green ride-share company, Lime, has rolled out its newest fleet of autonomous electric scooters. These little green monsters are set to revolutionize urban transport. Unless you're a cat, because you're clearly NOT a monster. But seriously, if you're heading out for your Saturday morning errands, make sure to watch out for these little green monsters. Word on the street is they might be a bit touchy about curbs.

Apple's New iProsody Apple Watch

Appple has just debuted the newest iteration of its iconic iWatch, the iProsody - A watch so i-Pro with a hidden pulse oximeter, you can literally check if your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse has pulled an all-nighter, eating Ben and Jerrys minimum carb ice cream on your bed.

Big Tech vs. Big Government

The drama between Big Tech and Big Government is heating up faster than a microwave pizza. In a stunning turn of events, the latest court ruling declared that all internet traffic must now be routed through a series of tubes that the government has installed under every bed in the country. Just kidding. But seriously, the government's latest fines on tech giants are looking increasingly like a revenge plot from a badly-written soap opera. Stay tuned for more."

The End of Passwords?

Oh, glad what you wondered about passwords and if they are gone? In a move that will make hackers the world over throw away their black hoodies and return their keyboards, Microsoft has announced that passwords are now officially dead. Ok, ok, you got us. Passwords are not actually dead. But wouldn't it be nice if they were? Biometric logins are on the rise, so consider whether them remembering everything anyways, is really so much better.

Eyes Turned Skyward with recent Satellite launches

Elon Musk is making headlines yet again with his latest SpaceX launch. This time, the mission is to send a fleet of internet-providing satellites into orbit. So if you've ever dreamed of streaming Netflix from the great outdoors while camping these satellites are the thing for you. But seriously, if you ever wanted a cooler selfie with the moon, SpaceX has released a brand new launch date for their upcoming basketball-themed satellite that shoots neon lasers at the stars with an exclusive user guide for members of their V.V.V.IO decentralized membership Hub. Don't know what that is? Maybe something to read up on because SpaceX members are sure they will.

VVV.IO and Elon spend even more time on the Moon ?!

Metaphorically at least. VVV IO is the latest decentralized token-based subscription service for users to gain access to private and exclusive even membership in their exclusive community. These elite members will be granted limited edition NFTs on the Solana Ecosystem, with exclusive computer-generated prompts and drawings if they win their weekly lotteries. Due to the overly-burnt votes by the community, however, the Solana Co-P2P unused fund bank pool distribution will be visibly less from those glory days in 2022. You win some, you win more if you have the token POWER and VOTE the right membership of SpaceVV VIO Hub into office that year.

Google AI Search will be saved by Humanoid Robots.

Humans won't be able to handle the volume of searches the Google AI needs to sift through to come up with an answer

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